2005/05/07

Ode to my High School Chem Teacher

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, "I'd like some acetylsalicylic acid, please." The pharmacist replies, "You mean aspirin?" and the chemist says, "Yeah, I never remember that name."

2005/05/06

Oh My Heck

While searching for an image of a metal crack pipe like mine for my last blog, I found this long but very informative article. I might have to hunt down one of those rose tubes to prettify my metal one. In the article, it said people who bought those tubes also often bought scouring pads which can be used as screens, and it brought to me a disturbing revelation:

One Summer I was at the Wizard's Asylum looking for someone to buy some of my Magic cards, and when I left the store there was a black gentleman who asked me for a ride. He said he'd locked the keys in his car while it was running and it ran out of gas. Basically, he had me drive him all they way around town twice the whole time making some crap up about being a public speaker. He said he was going to come to my high school and give a talk about me being such a good samaritan. He asked if he could have a few quarters to make a phone call and ended up taking all the silver out of my ash tray, then he had me take him to a gas station because he needed a scouring pad (revelation) because he'd burnt something really bad in his girlfriend's skillet and if he didn't clean it before she got home from work, she'd be pissed. Then he finally told me where his "girlfriend's" appartments were so I could drop him off.

I had a real live crack addict in my car. He technically stole from me. That's, like, almost half as good as meeting Dave Chapelle.

Anyways, here are the rest of the links I found.
  • This one's pretty funny. Someone moved out of a house and left their crack pipe in the bathroom cabinet. The new residents are trying to find its owner.
  • I haven't seen Virtual Crack in quite some time. This one always gave me a chuckle
  • The funny pictures in the first link reminded me of Furniture Porn. Try it, you'll like it.

I Got My Crack Pipe

I have this crack pipe. Its completely for shits and giggles. My old roommates were total potheads, and I went with them to a "head shop" in Lakewood called Lazy J's. This was one of the several times I've become obsessed with tobacco pipes (never got around to buying one) and I was looking for a "Hobbit pipe". They're actually called church wardens, but whatever. What I really would have liked to find was a long, wooden opium pipe like I see in anime sometimes. I just think it'd be a funny thing to have.

I didn't find either of those, but I did find a funny little metal crack pipe. It was cheap so I bough it for laughs. I had no idea what I was doing, and I was shaking because I knew the girl behind the counter probably thought I intended to use it. She asked if I wanted a few free screens with it, and I had no idea what she was talking about but I took them anyways. Turns out, its a little circle of brass mesh to go in the bottom of the bowl so you don't inhale flaming pieces of crack. I'm thinking watching someone inhale a flaming piece of crack is probably more fun than actually smoking it.

Every once in a while I like to take my pipe down from my desk and hold it, just because I find weird things funny. I was doing that today when I had a brilliant idea. I've been considering burning incense, and I think my crack pipe would make an awesome incense burner. I'd have to use the little cone kind. I think the effect of walking around with a lit piece of incense in my crack pipe somewhere public, say the Medieval Fair, would be hilarious.

2005/05/05

Apple-licious

A lightsaber can help convince an assailant that no means no

HowStuffWorks.com Is an awesome site. They now have an article on how lightsabers work. Not as in-depth as some things I've read, but a lot more accessible. Ya know how there are a ton of books on the technology of Star Wars, and the vehicles of Star Wars, and the weapons of Star Wars, so on, so on? Back in 8th grade when the original movies were digitally remastered and re-released in theaters, my good buddy Luke (heh heh), got the weapons of Star Wars book. Very interesting to read.

Back to the article, I'm really surprised that it didn't mention the fact that the primary crystal determines the color of the blade. Maybe they figured everybody whose anybody already knew? Another thing they neglected to mention is how the saber recycles energy, so barely any energy is consumed unless the blade is actually in contact with something. I cringe to think of how much Qui-Gon drained his power cell melting through that blast door. One thing they got wrong, if I remember correctly, is that a light saber has more energy than a blaster. Actually, nearly all weapons that consume any kind of energy use the same kind of power cell, including Chewbaca's bowcaster.

Man, I could talk about this all day if I'd read about more than a handful of the weapons in that book.

2005/05/04

Good ol' Catholic Superstition

Saint Expedite, Patron Saint of the Nerds. ilikeit. Nerds, hackers, anyone needing a quick solution to a problem. He's not even an official saint. How hackerish is that? I don't have a lot of time tonight, so read the article. (This means you L. Follow the link...it beckons)

2005/05/03

Worse than a Senior Citizen

Oh, my God. I was always afraid of this. Microsoft working on cars. My other big fear is them working on whatever software runs the cranial implants I'll eventually have, like in Neuromancer. Microsoft in my brain? No thanks.

This, however, is a step in the right direction. The Unix Motorcycle doesn't really do much right now, but this is a single man's project too. If that thing went commercial...SPLOOGE!!! Just as long as it doesn't catch a case of Snow Crash. I don't know what I would sell to have one of those. Too bad you can't live in a motorcycle like you can a car.

2005/05/01

Vertical Horizon

I'd forgotten how good this song was. Heard it channel surfing the radio

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

Monumental Waste of Time and Money

Sunburn's more fun than baseball.

But that's just my opinion.